Now here's a secret, are you ready? A lot of times people want to be open and be themselves but they have judged so many people's business, relationships and character that when they think about being vulnerable to sensitivity they worry about rejection because of who they have judged and talked about. For instance have you ever heard of the expression, "when pointing the finger there are three pointing back at you"? I've had conversations in my inner circle and have gotten offended when being called sensitive. It would come out like,..."Oh don't mind Chris, she's just sensitive. You have to be careful." It literally would shatter me inside because I own my sensitivity and regardless no one needs to put a warning label on me as if I am going to explode. Well maybe in the past. (smile)
Understand the reason behind my ownership. I grew up amongst six boys, five were uncles and one brother. Two of my uncles had inappropriate relations with me and one was quite abusive mentally and tormented me occasionally. Once he stepped in dirt and had me lie on the ground as he then proceeded to step on my face. Living in that environment and being the minority, the only girl besides my "grama" who wasn't so girly, I had to learn to be tough. When I got older and began liking boys, I quickly noted that roughness is not what they desired. So I had to teach my self to be soft and sensitive.
There was much dysfunction happening in that household that I had psychological issues surrounding the molestation and everything that correlated to it. Being raised with out my father present in my life, which now I have a relationship with but then I didn't, also affected my developing sensitivity trait. We had the occasional visits and meeting my siblings but never made a connection. That missing father figure and having a mom who worked so hard to provide for both me and my brother left us in that environment. She was a single parent who needed the overtime and because she never collected child support or welfare this was our life, a working mom who seen us on weekends.
I would take that word to the heart as if people deemed me incapable of being strong or someone of standard or someone to look up to. It seems as if that word has a bad connotation to it like weakness or failure. One thing I've learned is that words have attachments and you never know what it is if you are blind. If you are always throwing fingers at others then how are you correcting yourself. I own it because I am proud of my growth, and yet still growing and building. Words aren't just words they are spoken with actions and life and manifestations come from them. When I show my vulnerability I am showing strength because I have came a long way and still have more steps to climb. Its not about moments in time but about one's life and accomplishments from where they came. If you want to test a person's strength watch their progression.
So ladies and even a few of you men out there, the pressure of having to be strong broke me because I was going through too much as a child, having to much responsibility, worrying about my mother, and worrying about myself and my brother. It eventually got me sick, having issues in my relationships with friends and boyfriends. People didn't understand me. They only saw the results of my sensitivity not the process that got me there. I am transitioning and I am not perfect and there is truth to some of the connotations of that word because I didn't grow up in a stable household. My mother had several jobs, we moved several times and I went to several schools. So my lifestyle as an adult made sense to me moving a lot which I can see it as progress. There is a learning curve in all of this, where one may think that I'm everywhere and going nowhere, I have learnt something golden from when I may have been struggling. It takes a genuine hard determine person to overcome obstacles and matters that are complex.
"For all my Yellow Teddies"
